just the facts

what haven't i told you or what you know already,
in no particular order

1)like most filipino kids, they [chose to | made to | could] play an instrument, sing, dance, take some type of martial arts, etc. I, in fact, did all but one... I took piano lessons for 2 weeks, but didn't like the teacher. I sang in grade school, cause they made you...we had practices on thursday for mass on friday. Martial arts you know. Well, that leaves the dancing, which I don't do. My brother, says after watching ABDC, he thinks all filipinos can dance or can learn...I think it skipped me.

2)I am a tech-geek. Gives people something to do when they don't play or lose at poker at my apt.

3)I think I owe my computer-savy/psuedo-artistic ability to my bro. In the days of geocites (yea i just aged myself a lot), my bro had a website. I never really got into until I got all the "free" stuff to start making my own. He was the artistic one, he went to the classes, I just learned how to trace well. Thanks, bro.

4)It wasn't until after I graduated (2003, yea i know), that I brought things that would later be my calling card for LOG. Video Camera (dv-tapes), Media-PC, laptop, PC-upgrades, Video Camera (hd)...again tech-geek. As much as the things were for me, I enjoy editing events for LOG, I just I wish I had more time to do it and learn the trade. 2 more years, Gerard...

5)If it wasn't so expensive, or the clean up so time consuming, I'd probably cook more or learn how to cook more stuff. My dad has a way of putting stuff together, and making a great meal. He always asks if I like it, and I say its "OK" as I proceed to get my 3rd plateful.

6)I like and don't like the fact that I've become "responsible" Looking for a house, keeping up with a 401(k), IRAs...it seems responsibility at this point is very monetary or about the things I would own. I'd rather make time for the things that matter, keeping up with old friends, family...so just call, and I'll hangout even when I'm tired, i could use the break.

if you're reading this, you're tagged.
i'll tag gerard & ray

draft

Give a lil
That I tend to do
Give what's comfortable
Could do more
To a future unknown
The uncertain

Live in the regrets
The what ifs
Then you'll miss
The beauty that is standing before you

Give more
Live the present
enjoy the beauty He's created

Sorry for being so distant, I can tell that I haven't been much of a friend. If conversations only required a hello and a goodbye, I'd be playing my part. I wish I could tell you what I was thinking, what I'm trying to get over. You've always been there to listen, you know I'd do the same.
At this point, His plan is something different, we got our paths to find and live. I've seen Him in you & I'll always be there for you.

I'll be ok...I know He'll make me stronger...

Just need prayers...

As of late prayers, for myself have been looking for answers, rather that the answers are what I want and not what He wants for me...

A good amount of the time, I'll ignore the things He'll try to tell me or it could be my own human err has clouded my own vision...

Not knowing where He's plan is going to lead scares me

It only takes one meeting to open your eyes...to understand what He's been trying to tell me...

Ok, I think I'm done

To the people who actually read this, if you're wondering where the past posts came from; its the side you never see

I've been trying to be stronger,trying to be the person you could lean on, I guess now I needed to lean.

For the 9 years, LOG has been my joy and at times a struggle...
I never liked the spotlight, I couldn't take the compliments, but He finds ways to put me there

He gave me this drive to do what I do for the group no questions asked.

I serve because you serve me just as much

It sounds like I'm leaving and saying stuff that should be said two years from now...

Well...I'm...

the old adage

Sometimes advice so easily given, is the same advice you should follow.

You can't help how you feel, or what you "think" you feel. Situations arise where you think you've found something that could be the thing you've been looking for. But, what is it that you're really missing?

Praying for answers...

...

Aren't you tired of this charade?
Maybe you've lost sight of what is to become of you?
If its worth fighting for then fight...
Don't give up because you think its better that way...
He made you better than that
He reminds you everyday, if you just start to accept it

You can't Love if you don't Love yourself first, cliche, but true

define

Words
Actions
Visible
Masks
Formed
Weathered
Beaten
Ignored
Displayed
Accept me
Made in Likeness unseen
Moved by Love uncontained
Defined

If I believed as much as people tell me, things might be different
If I could find solace in forgiving myself, the sitiuation would be different
If I wasn't scared of losing
I'd try

I'd put myself first and know I should at times
But my M.O.is something else

I said I wouldn't think about it
But it can't be avoided

I said I've let go
But I miss you

I said a lot or a lot of nothing

I'll stay where I am...

Wrapped in blank stare
Silence
No words could fill
An emptiness self inflicted
Images of what once was
Dreams of what could be
Fade
Paths crossed divide
A single bond
Stronger than any distance
Provides realization
Wishes for you can't be expressed
My faith stronger by
Your friendship
Isnt worth losing
Silence broken by love
Emptiness filled with compassion

...just be willing to accept it...

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It’s a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave

Lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We’ll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in the raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it’s something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they’re falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love will come to save us
If we’ll only call
He will ask nothing of us
But demand we give our all

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It’s worth fighting for


(song lyrics to “Love Is Not A Fight”)

...

you ever see a movie, where the main character is just standing there, and world around them is moving in a blur. Lately, I've been feeling like that...All the plans in my head seem to hindered by the lack of confidence in myself, or being scared of leaving my comfort-zone. Got to find that push again...

missing

Don't know what it is
Looking for something
something lost or something i never had
stuck in a rut
there has to be more
Answers are unclear
Prayers have been few
Standing on my own
Waiting for the gun to sound
Running toward His goal

undo

You are the only one who undo what I've become...

this is pretty much all that I say.

Its too late for a lot of things.

A future undefined
Merely dreams, a brass ring
Life
Wake, work, wait
Wake, work, wait
Wake, work, weep
A faith given at birth
Not nearly tested
Pray
Wish, want, wait
Wish, want, wait
Wish, want, weep
Something constant
Struggling to find
LOVE
Where, when, wait
Where, when, wait
Where, when, weep
A future undefined

complete...

over analyzing any situation will lead to no action. That could be an my M.O. Something that I'd like to stop doing, at least for certain things. Even after all that time has past I've struggled to let things go and forgive myself. All the outlets to get my mind off of it, only led to more thinking about where I am now, and where I'd like to be. After this weekend, the feeling of brokeness, has in fact slowly gone away, and I know its a process like everything else.

To be honest:

I wish I could go back in time and change things
I wish I could be that person you saw before,
I wish I fit in the puzzle
I wish I never broke it
I wish for a new beginning, if you'd let me

Don't know if my actions, as of late, have reflected the words, the prayers, the intentions, I can only hope that You can forgive me, so I can feel like I can forgive myself...

Trying to step into the Light, so you can see YOU in me.

and the year comes to an end

i could list the things that happened, that didn't, that should've happened
at the end of the day or year, you hope that you've grown or done the things that you wanted to do.

I wish i could say that was true, well the way I measure it, I came up short. I guess that's the way life is sometimes...what you put in, is what you get out. The advise, is often heard, but never heeded. I guess I never got over that fear, so I find things to take my mind off of it. To that same end, I'll isolate myself, cause its what I've always done; I've gotten pretty good at the masks, the walls, etc.

So it would seem that my resolution, is pretty transparent. But, I don't think its worth making.

Here's to 2008...

looking back at the hands of time...

...seeing what i left behind...
i've been doing that a lot lately. As much as I want to let things go, I don't think I've really forgiven myself. I thought I could change things, make things better, but for who...
Its a broken record repeating itself
time for an upgrade
but at what expense



...

reminders

sometimes when you're cleaning, you happen to find something that stirs an memory and for the moment, any number of emotions could come about. for me, its wondering if i could've done something different, tried that much harder, but things happen for a reason...would i be in the same place in my life...am i supposed to be where i am now...trying to keep myself occupied with other things makes me think that im avoiding things or just THE thing. I say that im being selfish, but people say that i deserve to be happy too. The walls never really go away, but you find the people to help you break them.

i think that's enough for now.

rebuild, restart....

its a long time coming...
liwanagatuci.com back up
rally dvd on the way
10 years of LOG
a brand new set of faces, seeing the familiar ones

this might be a start of more posts, or a reason for people to ask

i might not have the right words but i promise i'll try

that is all

its that time again

some like the spotlight
i'd rather avoid it

im thankful for all the blessings that i have in my life, for the opportunities that i have, and the things that i have yet to do

but where do i go from here

things need to be said

things need to be found out and resolved

i need to forgive myself

i miss you