find what's missing

I hadn't realized how much I missed that...
Its been awhile
I've let things get the best of me
And I've lost a part of myself
And I've felt lost
the cliche "loss for words" happens more than you know
or i'll hide it very well
I just need to say what needs to be said
outcomes aren't for me to predict
it might change things, but regret is something
i'd rather lose not find

fear...

Stand and watch the world go by
Stare at this distorted reflection
Words fall; not to deaf ears
But lack the strength to reach theirs

...Can't revert to a past-self
I was doing so well...

did that really happen?

Work 8am to 8pm on a friday...
made better by pizza d'oro, movie and beer...
followed by red bull and VEGAS...
won money and lost it all
paris buffet (breakfast and lunch)
red bull fueled ride home
~2 hour nap/laundry
traffic of the 55 (OC Fair, who wants to go?)
90's music, and the 5 to SD
bar with friends and carne asada fries
IHOP before we left for home
new glasses
a long-awaited dinner with friends, more like family.

Don't know whats next...

revisit - a poet's prayer

In moments of silence
I hear your voice, but do not listen
“My child,” You call
As I look toward the star-filled sky
“I’m here,” You say
I can’t see your face; eyes blurred
Pools fill in disbelief
I weep and you come.

Your arms wide open
Longing to give your love to me
“My child,” You call
You weep wanting me to be with you

In moments of silence
You hear my voice and listen
“My God,” I call
As you look from the star-filled sky
“I’m sorry,” I cry
You see my face, my eyes blurred
Pools overflow with tears
I weep and you come

Yet, my arms are closed
My heart unable to understand
“I can’t,” I reply.
I weep wanting to be with you

-1/25/2005

So I took that poetry class, to "finish" my lower-division writing req. "Finish" only because I still had to take 39B. I just wonder what I was feeling or what was going on when I wrote this. I think I'm stronger now, or at least I hope so. But what is strength? Is it stronger to take things on your own shoulders or is it better to know that you can't do everything on your own.

Pray for strength, the willingness to reach out for help, the clarity of knowing that you're not alone. Simons and Veronicas surround you everyday, don't let pride blind you.

Thanks for the times you've listened, thanks for hanging out, thanks for being my friend.

just the facts

what haven't i told you or what you know already,
in no particular order

1)like most filipino kids, they [chose to | made to | could] play an instrument, sing, dance, take some type of martial arts, etc. I, in fact, did all but one... I took piano lessons for 2 weeks, but didn't like the teacher. I sang in grade school, cause they made you...we had practices on thursday for mass on friday. Martial arts you know. Well, that leaves the dancing, which I don't do. My brother, says after watching ABDC, he thinks all filipinos can dance or can learn...I think it skipped me.

2)I am a tech-geek. Gives people something to do when they don't play or lose at poker at my apt.

3)I think I owe my computer-savy/psuedo-artistic ability to my bro. In the days of geocites (yea i just aged myself a lot), my bro had a website. I never really got into until I got all the "free" stuff to start making my own. He was the artistic one, he went to the classes, I just learned how to trace well. Thanks, bro.

4)It wasn't until after I graduated (2003, yea i know), that I brought things that would later be my calling card for LOG. Video Camera (dv-tapes), Media-PC, laptop, PC-upgrades, Video Camera (hd)...again tech-geek. As much as the things were for me, I enjoy editing events for LOG, I just I wish I had more time to do it and learn the trade. 2 more years, Gerard...

5)If it wasn't so expensive, or the clean up so time consuming, I'd probably cook more or learn how to cook more stuff. My dad has a way of putting stuff together, and making a great meal. He always asks if I like it, and I say its "OK" as I proceed to get my 3rd plateful.

6)I like and don't like the fact that I've become "responsible" Looking for a house, keeping up with a 401(k), IRAs...it seems responsibility at this point is very monetary or about the things I would own. I'd rather make time for the things that matter, keeping up with old friends, family...so just call, and I'll hangout even when I'm tired, i could use the break.

if you're reading this, you're tagged.
i'll tag gerard & ray

draft

Give a lil
That I tend to do
Give what's comfortable
Could do more
To a future unknown
The uncertain

Live in the regrets
The what ifs
Then you'll miss
The beauty that is standing before you

Give more
Live the present
enjoy the beauty He's created

Sorry for being so distant, I can tell that I haven't been much of a friend. If conversations only required a hello and a goodbye, I'd be playing my part. I wish I could tell you what I was thinking, what I'm trying to get over. You've always been there to listen, you know I'd do the same.
At this point, His plan is something different, we got our paths to find and live. I've seen Him in you & I'll always be there for you.

I'll be ok...I know He'll make me stronger...

Just need prayers...

As of late prayers, for myself have been looking for answers, rather that the answers are what I want and not what He wants for me...

A good amount of the time, I'll ignore the things He'll try to tell me or it could be my own human err has clouded my own vision...

Not knowing where He's plan is going to lead scares me

It only takes one meeting to open your eyes...to understand what He's been trying to tell me...

Ok, I think I'm done

To the people who actually read this, if you're wondering where the past posts came from; its the side you never see

I've been trying to be stronger,trying to be the person you could lean on, I guess now I needed to lean.

For the 9 years, LOG has been my joy and at times a struggle...
I never liked the spotlight, I couldn't take the compliments, but He finds ways to put me there

He gave me this drive to do what I do for the group no questions asked.

I serve because you serve me just as much

It sounds like I'm leaving and saying stuff that should be said two years from now...

Well...I'm...