and the year comes to an end

i could list the things that happened, that didn't, that should've happened
at the end of the day or year, you hope that you've grown or done the things that you wanted to do.

I wish i could say that was true, well the way I measure it, I came up short. I guess that's the way life is sometimes...what you put in, is what you get out. The advise, is often heard, but never heeded. I guess I never got over that fear, so I find things to take my mind off of it. To that same end, I'll isolate myself, cause its what I've always done; I've gotten pretty good at the masks, the walls, etc.

So it would seem that my resolution, is pretty transparent. But, I don't think its worth making.

Here's to 2008...

looking back at the hands of time...

...seeing what i left behind...
i've been doing that a lot lately. As much as I want to let things go, I don't think I've really forgiven myself. I thought I could change things, make things better, but for who...
Its a broken record repeating itself
time for an upgrade
but at what expense



...

reminders

sometimes when you're cleaning, you happen to find something that stirs an memory and for the moment, any number of emotions could come about. for me, its wondering if i could've done something different, tried that much harder, but things happen for a reason...would i be in the same place in my life...am i supposed to be where i am now...trying to keep myself occupied with other things makes me think that im avoiding things or just THE thing. I say that im being selfish, but people say that i deserve to be happy too. The walls never really go away, but you find the people to help you break them.

i think that's enough for now.

rebuild, restart....

its a long time coming...
liwanagatuci.com back up
rally dvd on the way
10 years of LOG
a brand new set of faces, seeing the familiar ones

this might be a start of more posts, or a reason for people to ask

i might not have the right words but i promise i'll try

that is all

its that time again

some like the spotlight
i'd rather avoid it

im thankful for all the blessings that i have in my life, for the opportunities that i have, and the things that i have yet to do

but where do i go from here

things need to be said

things need to be found out and resolved

i need to forgive myself

i miss you

game of life::move 5 spaces

i think i might just do that...

Everything has been a calculated risk; weigh the pros and cons; enjoying the safety of my "comfort-zone."

if i need something extra to get my feet moving to a beat, i'll take it.
i shouldn't care about what other people think, but i do.

i need/want something to change.

"And if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans."

my random post

sometime u just have to stop

All this running makes me tired, its when you stop and no one catches you that hurts. but that all depends if you running in the right direction. This IS my transition, one that's long overdue. Its only a "rat race" if you make it one...

...and with age comes wisdom...

Apparently being the alumni of any group, makes you "smarter" or "wiser" to the younger folk...I wish I had all the answers, or believed I am as wise or smart as you think I am. In any case, I know that all you graduating seniors will be ok...whether you are staying or going, working or schooling {is that even a word?} just use the gifts He's given you and you'll be fine...All the wisdom in the world can't measure to HIS and HIS love for you.

this is only a test

insight pt2

I've put myself in the same position...despite how hard I try not to.let go. Life can't be "what ifs" and "should haves". So cliche but true. The truth is I don't know why or when or how. You can't help the way you feel sometimes. If all i give is a smile, would i get one in return. I can't talk. If I tried harder, would you still be there. I've built so many walls to keep everything in, to keep myself from getting hurt. The emotions I have you don't see; the questions I ask because I don't know, but would like to

insight

sight is often taken for granted...

how do u feel when you see
that someone
a baby
friends
family




yourself

sometimes you feel like you don't measure up, or don't accept the credit that you deserve, if you look at yourself through HIS eyes, you wouldn't doubt, you wouldn't compare...you'd believe

there is a difference between not being boastful with the gifts you have been given, and denying that you have them

insight comes at different times and from different people...
it may take a long drive and someone to keep you awake to be aware of it

....

how are u?
....ok
what's new?
....nothing really

silence.

why is it so difficult to speak? despite the genuine feeling behind the questions, the answers aren't. i've always stood on my own, more like internalized everything. If i felt like letting go, HE will catch me...but i can't fall...i might have catch someone...or i think i do...i try to be the dependable one...its the one part of me that i don't want to lose, despite the trials it brings; but its brings joy too

how are u?
...actually, i'm....
what's new?
...a lot, do you have a minute...

time for me to speak.

part one of two

sushi and mochi ice cream

We all need a break sometime...
just a day to clear your head...
and catch up with a friend...

Thanks Toni Rose =D

My goal is to have a better story for you; or even explain that random comment i made, but that will have to wait till i can explain it myself.

a melting candle

these past couple of weeks seem to be the hardest yet. Yes, work is going to busy; Yes, moving is really irritating esp. when you have to sort through boxes; Yes, spirit rally is getting close and videos are uncompressed sitting a hard drive

I am a candle being burnt from both ends...
maybe i put myself in this situation...
i wish i could give more the part of my life that rite now feels like its not...

i wish i could be honest, with everything, and just let go

maybe the melting will lead to something new...only time will tell

...leaning against a wall that i can't push over...

itunes makes a suggestion

my ipod is interesting mix

latest addition is: The Swift

http://www.myspace.com/theswift

i like it, but my opinion isn't very much cause i'll listen to almost anything

give because HE gave

i know its not much, but i'll try to give you all i can...you may not know it; you might not take it, but i'll give just the same. its really all that i can do, its something i've always done maybe too much, maybe not enough. i wish i believed in myself enough to give what i REALLY need to, rather than give what's expected.

behind the walls

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

Mercy Me - Homesick

All the walls, all the hiding...
i can't find what i once had

Trying to make time for the things that i missed; only now it seems i don't belong.

Where do i go from here?

lists

how can one person be so wise? I really don't know, but I'm glad that I have friends who are. So here's the list:

1._____________ (you know...=D)
2.drive along pch, and enjoy the view
3.sushi and really good conversation
4.disney half marathon
5.LB half marathon
6.take martial art classes
7.buy a house (doubt this will happen anytime soon)

its a work in progress.

smile

it really doesn't take much apparently, just take the time relax. Its better when your able to remember those conversations that made you laugh, smile, or opened your eyes to something you never saw before. I guess it helps when your IM conversations get saved automatically, [i don't know why it does that].

got the push, but afraid to fall
that's my vague post

history repeats itself

We all have those moments when we wish there was a second chance, an opportunity to roll back time, and rethink our actions. Yet, the more time you spend thinking about what you should have done, you forget that you have the opportunity to learn and rectify such actions. I struggle to find the grace to handle it. When you given everything you have or think you have...its sometimes not enough. My sacrifice seems so small next to HIS. But it is HIS sacrifice, that allows me to live, learn, pray. I pray more now than ever...because that all that i can do now. Everything is in your hands.

The edit:
Everything happens for a reason.
No reason to regret; must make the effort to try =D

from walls to doors

Time to change...
I needed to
Friends deserve more than i gave
when they're willing to give me everything,

even a push when i'll need it



Thanks again for listening...=D

wandering...

praying that it will get better...

i really don't know what better is. It might just be a selfish prayer, at the root of it, as much as i don't want it to be. Its hard to think about the fact that i haven't really changed or got any closer to some goal or aspiration. Sometimes, history is repeating itself, only difference now i know what not to do; instead i stand still and not try at all. Hiding is comfortable, i've got it down to a science...

words in a page, lyrics of a song...only makes the truth more apparent, despite the fact i wish to hide from it.

words spoken in a whisper...made vocal for my own sake...echoing within the walls i've built, making it that much harder to forget or let go.

i can only stand at a distance, willing to catch you when you fall...

praying that your someone will

Are you feeling seperated from love
And the way you thought this life should be
Just open your heart
Hear these wordsThat were said to me
And say it to me

You're not alone, You're not alone
Even though you feel so far from home
You're not alone, You're not alone
And if you just stop and look around
You're not the only one

"you're not alone" - storyside b

Valentine's Day

...Love sweet love I feel your power
Hear my prayer, we're in your hands now
Take these hearts so lost and broken
Bring us home again
If this prayer for love is never heard
Oh, and if you have to walk away for these are only words

Waiting here for you with love and open arms...

-"My Prayer"-

...Love is not a feeling, but an action...

An action that allowed us to be where we are and where we are to be. There is someone out there who will love you more than you know. You have to be open to receive it. Even more so, if we are made in His image, then we need to LOVE just the same.

tennis outdoors, not on the wii

Fri: happy b-day frances
tennis after work

So, the last time i played tennis was when i was seven. My family was living in oxnard for a couple months, and after work my dad would take me to the tennis courts. He used to play and has the trophies lying around my house somewhere. Too bad i got really frustrated when i was younger when i was learning new things (i.e. tennis, piano).

I wish I wouldn't give up as much as i do; stupid wall.

Sat: happy b-day brenton
lazy day

Still behind the walls, trying to jump over

so tired...

i wish things were different, more like the circumstances.

Often the advice is easy to give, but most of the time you're the one that needs to hear it.

Surrounded by walls, praying for a window.

untitled

In moments of silence
I hear your voice, but do not listen
“My child,” You call
As I look toward the star-filled sky
“I’m here,” You say
I can’t see your face; eyes blurred
Pools fill in disbelief
I weep and you come.

Your arms wide open
Longing to give your love to me
“My child,” You call
You weep wanting me to be with you

In moments of silence
You hear my voice and listen
“My God,” I call
As you look from the star-filled sky
“I’m sorry,” I cry
You see my face, my eyes blurred
Pools overflow with tears
I weep and you come

Yet, my arms are closed
My heart unable to understand
“I can’t,” I reply.
I weep wanting to be with you

...

sometimes my toughest critic is myself.
Its something that can't be helped...i wish i could fix things...i wish i knew where to go

i apologize for the cryptic post.

all i have to give

Prayers to the families who lost loved ones this past weekend. May God provide strength in this time of need.

To a dear friend, I'm praying for you always.