maybe you're right...

food and good conversation...
That should happen more often, and is a welcomed break from work.
To come to a realization, why you aren't doing more and the excuses you make for yourself, is slowly taken away when you hear that someone else thinks you SHOULD do more. Its more than hearing it, but the fact that someone believes that you will succeed, only if you try. As corny as that sounds, I still like to hear it. If you literally have to push me to get it done, then PUSH.

For the finals-bound crew, good luck.
For the work-bound crew, we'll all make it to the xmas break.

give thanks

The shots, the moments are only as good as the people that are in them.

apologies and short-comings

I could say im sorry, but I'd feel the words would fall short. I've been selfish and haven't been honest, despite the fact you've done your fair share. At times, I've done less or more than I should; I've changed but I don't know if its enough for myself. I can hide behind the facade and pretend everything is ok and try to keep going. At the end of it all, I have prayers. For clarity, for strength...I pray that you're graced with everything He has in store for you.

I don't have the answers and scared that I'll always lack the words. His image in myself is blurred by self-doubt. In time I'll believe what I've heard...and what's He has shown me in you.

past, present....

What do you say that i am
have i changed so much that i don't exist
has the err of my own stupidity
made what i once was null and void
is what i've lost worth fighting for
strength is lacking
there are no sides to urge on
opportunities are few

I know that life will have it ups and downs
I know that faith keeps me moving
I know that His Love surrounds me
I know more now than then my past-self's words

a post to post something, cause its been a while

Just thinking

You seem to have all the "answers" for questions but you own.
Despite the reassurance, you still think its hard to believe
But is that you need to hear to stand on your own?
You've done all you can, you've seen yourself at your best and worst.
And I'd rather you impress your old self, and continue to move on.
Its about timing and I hope you find it

lost

if it happens when you're driving, a GPS or friend that's good with directions will get you on your way
if it happens when you're studying, notes or a classmate will show you the answer

I felt like that today, even if it was just for a moment.
I know things are the way they are for a reason;
He has a plan...like I've been told...I'll just have to wait and see

...trying to get things back to the way they were...

Questions and answers

Ever noticed the questions you ask someone, whether its someone new or someone you've known your whole life, generally pertains to how their life is and what they have going on.
Now think about their responses or even your own.

As of late my responses have been the simple one-liners or ones that don't lead to story like other people, I wish I had a story sometimes...

This is just a random post, during my break at work

p.s. I need to buy new clothes

heaven on earth

Its the times when someone's there to listen to me vent.
Its the times when I'm alone and I need to listen.
Its the times behind the camera, capturing a smile or a picture that makes someone smile.
Its the times when I'm a "kid" again.
Its the times with good food and good friends.

It either happens alot or not at all. "heavens" on earth exist, and they exist because His Love created them.

more pics on facebook and/or flickr, see one you like, just ask and i'll send you the original.

viewfinder

view more here



Spent a majority of Saturday in SD. Catching up with a good friend and a bday dinner and bowling. With some time in the middle, a drive and some signs led me to the mission in SD. 2 hours of walking around and taking pictures. Being called a "photographer", was random and a little funny.

photo project #2: aquarium of the pacific (LB marathon weekend)

photo project #3: ___________ (long-over due disney trip, catalina, seattle).

clearer view

turn a dial
and focus on what you want
the rest merely distracts you

you can build walls or reasons
the keystone is fear, remove it and the rest falls

i'll tell you the truth, if you'd listen

If all it took was food and friends to figure that out;
then i need try to cook more often.

steps

usually my place of solace
utterances of "nothing"
can't change my appearance
letting go and and not wanting to leave
exist in my comfort zone
to see them leave
strength apparent-ly
has faded...
nothing left
see what is left behind
His strength I hold on to
Your love I return

what binds us

Clouded by doubt I could lose

Clouded by doubt I stand still

what brings us together
gives me a reason to make the effort

despite the distance or time or silence
you remain in my heart

I'm not perfect
I need more than just myself
I need that push
I need Him, His Love, my Simon's, my Veronica's



Bound by Faith
Pray in Hope
Live Love

find what's missing

I hadn't realized how much I missed that...
Its been awhile
I've let things get the best of me
And I've lost a part of myself
And I've felt lost
the cliche "loss for words" happens more than you know
or i'll hide it very well
I just need to say what needs to be said
outcomes aren't for me to predict
it might change things, but regret is something
i'd rather lose not find

fear...

Stand and watch the world go by
Stare at this distorted reflection
Words fall; not to deaf ears
But lack the strength to reach theirs

...Can't revert to a past-self
I was doing so well...

did that really happen?

Work 8am to 8pm on a friday...
made better by pizza d'oro, movie and beer...
followed by red bull and VEGAS...
won money and lost it all
paris buffet (breakfast and lunch)
red bull fueled ride home
~2 hour nap/laundry
traffic of the 55 (OC Fair, who wants to go?)
90's music, and the 5 to SD
bar with friends and carne asada fries
IHOP before we left for home
new glasses
a long-awaited dinner with friends, more like family.

Don't know whats next...

revisit - a poet's prayer

In moments of silence
I hear your voice, but do not listen
“My child,” You call
As I look toward the star-filled sky
“I’m here,” You say
I can’t see your face; eyes blurred
Pools fill in disbelief
I weep and you come.

Your arms wide open
Longing to give your love to me
“My child,” You call
You weep wanting me to be with you

In moments of silence
You hear my voice and listen
“My God,” I call
As you look from the star-filled sky
“I’m sorry,” I cry
You see my face, my eyes blurred
Pools overflow with tears
I weep and you come

Yet, my arms are closed
My heart unable to understand
“I can’t,” I reply.
I weep wanting to be with you

-1/25/2005

So I took that poetry class, to "finish" my lower-division writing req. "Finish" only because I still had to take 39B. I just wonder what I was feeling or what was going on when I wrote this. I think I'm stronger now, or at least I hope so. But what is strength? Is it stronger to take things on your own shoulders or is it better to know that you can't do everything on your own.

Pray for strength, the willingness to reach out for help, the clarity of knowing that you're not alone. Simons and Veronicas surround you everyday, don't let pride blind you.

Thanks for the times you've listened, thanks for hanging out, thanks for being my friend.

just the facts

what haven't i told you or what you know already,
in no particular order

1)like most filipino kids, they [chose to | made to | could] play an instrument, sing, dance, take some type of martial arts, etc. I, in fact, did all but one... I took piano lessons for 2 weeks, but didn't like the teacher. I sang in grade school, cause they made you...we had practices on thursday for mass on friday. Martial arts you know. Well, that leaves the dancing, which I don't do. My brother, says after watching ABDC, he thinks all filipinos can dance or can learn...I think it skipped me.

2)I am a tech-geek. Gives people something to do when they don't play or lose at poker at my apt.

3)I think I owe my computer-savy/psuedo-artistic ability to my bro. In the days of geocites (yea i just aged myself a lot), my bro had a website. I never really got into until I got all the "free" stuff to start making my own. He was the artistic one, he went to the classes, I just learned how to trace well. Thanks, bro.

4)It wasn't until after I graduated (2003, yea i know), that I brought things that would later be my calling card for LOG. Video Camera (dv-tapes), Media-PC, laptop, PC-upgrades, Video Camera (hd)...again tech-geek. As much as the things were for me, I enjoy editing events for LOG, I just I wish I had more time to do it and learn the trade. 2 more years, Gerard...

5)If it wasn't so expensive, or the clean up so time consuming, I'd probably cook more or learn how to cook more stuff. My dad has a way of putting stuff together, and making a great meal. He always asks if I like it, and I say its "OK" as I proceed to get my 3rd plateful.

6)I like and don't like the fact that I've become "responsible" Looking for a house, keeping up with a 401(k), IRAs...it seems responsibility at this point is very monetary or about the things I would own. I'd rather make time for the things that matter, keeping up with old friends, family...so just call, and I'll hangout even when I'm tired, i could use the break.

if you're reading this, you're tagged.
i'll tag gerard & ray

draft

Give a lil
That I tend to do
Give what's comfortable
Could do more
To a future unknown
The uncertain

Live in the regrets
The what ifs
Then you'll miss
The beauty that is standing before you

Give more
Live the present
enjoy the beauty He's created

Sorry for being so distant, I can tell that I haven't been much of a friend. If conversations only required a hello and a goodbye, I'd be playing my part. I wish I could tell you what I was thinking, what I'm trying to get over. You've always been there to listen, you know I'd do the same.
At this point, His plan is something different, we got our paths to find and live. I've seen Him in you & I'll always be there for you.

I'll be ok...I know He'll make me stronger...

Just need prayers...

As of late prayers, for myself have been looking for answers, rather that the answers are what I want and not what He wants for me...

A good amount of the time, I'll ignore the things He'll try to tell me or it could be my own human err has clouded my own vision...

Not knowing where He's plan is going to lead scares me

It only takes one meeting to open your eyes...to understand what He's been trying to tell me...

Ok, I think I'm done

To the people who actually read this, if you're wondering where the past posts came from; its the side you never see

I've been trying to be stronger,trying to be the person you could lean on, I guess now I needed to lean.

For the 9 years, LOG has been my joy and at times a struggle...
I never liked the spotlight, I couldn't take the compliments, but He finds ways to put me there

He gave me this drive to do what I do for the group no questions asked.

I serve because you serve me just as much

It sounds like I'm leaving and saying stuff that should be said two years from now...

Well...I'm...

the old adage

Sometimes advice so easily given, is the same advice you should follow.

You can't help how you feel, or what you "think" you feel. Situations arise where you think you've found something that could be the thing you've been looking for. But, what is it that you're really missing?

Praying for answers...

...

Aren't you tired of this charade?
Maybe you've lost sight of what is to become of you?
If its worth fighting for then fight...
Don't give up because you think its better that way...
He made you better than that
He reminds you everyday, if you just start to accept it

You can't Love if you don't Love yourself first, cliche, but true

define

Words
Actions
Visible
Masks
Formed
Weathered
Beaten
Ignored
Displayed
Accept me
Made in Likeness unseen
Moved by Love uncontained
Defined

If I believed as much as people tell me, things might be different
If I could find solace in forgiving myself, the sitiuation would be different
If I wasn't scared of losing
I'd try

I'd put myself first and know I should at times
But my M.O.is something else

I said I wouldn't think about it
But it can't be avoided

I said I've let go
But I miss you

I said a lot or a lot of nothing

I'll stay where I am...

Wrapped in blank stare
Silence
No words could fill
An emptiness self inflicted
Images of what once was
Dreams of what could be
Fade
Paths crossed divide
A single bond
Stronger than any distance
Provides realization
Wishes for you can't be expressed
My faith stronger by
Your friendship
Isnt worth losing
Silence broken by love
Emptiness filled with compassion

...just be willing to accept it...

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It’s a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave

Lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We’ll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in the raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it’s something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they’re falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love will come to save us
If we’ll only call
He will ask nothing of us
But demand we give our all

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It’s worth fighting for


(song lyrics to “Love Is Not A Fight”)

...

you ever see a movie, where the main character is just standing there, and world around them is moving in a blur. Lately, I've been feeling like that...All the plans in my head seem to hindered by the lack of confidence in myself, or being scared of leaving my comfort-zone. Got to find that push again...

missing

Don't know what it is
Looking for something
something lost or something i never had
stuck in a rut
there has to be more
Answers are unclear
Prayers have been few
Standing on my own
Waiting for the gun to sound
Running toward His goal

undo

You are the only one who undo what I've become...

this is pretty much all that I say.

Its too late for a lot of things.

A future undefined
Merely dreams, a brass ring
Life
Wake, work, wait
Wake, work, wait
Wake, work, weep
A faith given at birth
Not nearly tested
Pray
Wish, want, wait
Wish, want, wait
Wish, want, weep
Something constant
Struggling to find
LOVE
Where, when, wait
Where, when, wait
Where, when, weep
A future undefined

complete...

over analyzing any situation will lead to no action. That could be an my M.O. Something that I'd like to stop doing, at least for certain things. Even after all that time has past I've struggled to let things go and forgive myself. All the outlets to get my mind off of it, only led to more thinking about where I am now, and where I'd like to be. After this weekend, the feeling of brokeness, has in fact slowly gone away, and I know its a process like everything else.

To be honest:

I wish I could go back in time and change things
I wish I could be that person you saw before,
I wish I fit in the puzzle
I wish I never broke it
I wish for a new beginning, if you'd let me

Don't know if my actions, as of late, have reflected the words, the prayers, the intentions, I can only hope that You can forgive me, so I can feel like I can forgive myself...

Trying to step into the Light, so you can see YOU in me.